Paying down the principal

I am at the point in my life where I am tired of being mad at myself.

Not in some dramatic, life-altering way.

I am literally tired of looking around my house and thinking, Seriously? Again?

There are things that need to be cleaned. Things that need to be organized. Things I want to write. Things I want to make. Things I bought because apparently purchasing supplies and actually using them are two completely different hobbies.

There are sooooo many things I want to do.

And yet, there I am.

On the couch.

Watching a rerun of something I have already seen while simultaneously doomscrolling on my phone.

Living the dream.

I have ADHD.

And understanding that has helped me give myself grace for a lot of things I spent years believing were character flaws.

But lately I have been wrestling with something else.

At what point does understanding why something is difficult become different from deciding what I am going to do about it?

ADHD makes things harder for me. I know that.

But I also know something else.

I am happier when I get things done.

I like walking into a clean room. I like finishing something I started. I like creating things. I like that little moment when I stand back and think, Well, look at me.

It’s getting from the couch to that feeling that seems to be the problem.

So I was thinking about all of this today and got some very reasonable advice:

Just start with ten minutes.

And immediately I thought…

Ten minutes?

I have HOURS worth of things to do.

Ten minutes felt like making the minimum payment on a credit card with a huge balance. Sure, I made a payment. But I’m never getting ahead.

Maybe sometimes the minimum payment is exactly what I need.

There are days when getting off the couch and doing something—anything—is a victory. Five minutes counts. Ten minutes counts. Starting counts.

But maybe there are also days when I have the capacity for more. Days when I don’t need to make the minimum payment. I need to pay down some principal.

Not pay off the entire balance in one Saturday.

I’ve tried that Saturday. The one where I decide today is the day the office gets reorganized, the closet gets purged, and I finally start that project I keep mentioning — all before lunch, fueled by nothing but Dr Pepper Zero Sugar and unrealistic expectations. By 2pm I’ve made a mess in three rooms instead of progress in one, and I’m sitting on the floor of the closet holding a drawer of cables I don’t remember owning.

That financial strategy doesn’t work.

An hour spent on the room that has been driving me crazy. An afternoon working on something I keep saying matters to me. Enough time that when I stop, something is actually different.

Maybe that’s the part I’ve been missing.

I’ve spent a lot of years bouncing between two extremes: doing almost nothing because everything feels overwhelming, or deciding that Tomorrow Will Be The Day I Finally Get My Entire Life Together.

Tomorrow has been under a lot of pressure. I’m thinking maybe I should give her a break.

I don’t want to spend the next chapter of my life perpetually frustrated with myself. I don’t want ADHD to be something I use to beat myself up. But I don’t want it making all my decisions either.

So maybe I don’t need to conquer procrastination.

Maybe I just need to ask myself a different question:

What kind of payment can I make today?

Some days, the minimum will be enough. Some days, I can pay down the principal. And some days, perhaps the most important thing will simply be recognizing that I get to decide.

Apparently I have discovered a new financial strategy for dealing with my brain.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

But first, a nap.